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Of course this is more easily said than done. We have been trained by our society to judge according to the standards of our society: this person is't thin enough, is too thin, is too gay, is too poor. The list continues. As we judge outwardly, however, we reinforce inflicting those same judgements inwardly. That is, the things that we judge others for are the things that we will inevitably judge ourselves for and vice-versa. Even worse, these judgements usually do little but propagate anger and depression where we desire happiness. Unfortunately, the specific judgements we make on a day to day basis are so engrained in our way of thinking that it's hard to remember that they aren't part of human nature. But they aren't and you only need to compare one culture's "should be's" to another to see that this is the case.
It's here that I want to introduce a mental model that helps me deal with emotions that I call the child and the tutor. A very young child has little knowledge about the world around them. Their behaviors are dictated by emotion. When a newborn is hungry, he/she is not likely to know what is wrong, just that something is wrong. The fact that something is wrong is conveyed to the outside world by crying. Conversely, "all is well" is conveyed by gurgles or laughter. It's a parent's job to figure out what the child is trying to express (even though the child probably couldn't say so themselves). Fortunately, a parent (i.e., the tutor) has a great body of knowledge to draw from and, if knowledge fails them, the old "hand the baby things until he stops crying" technique seems to do wonders.
As the child grows older they have basic language skills at their disposal but very little ability to reason. A child who is afraid of dogs probably won't be able to reason with themselves to figure out why they're afraid and understand that, in some instances, fear is an unreasonable response. So, a parent will step into the rationale role and ask the child why he/she's afraid, and help them to deal with that fear.
As we grow into adults, I believe that this emotional creature (i.e., the child) persists and we become our own tutors (occasionally drawing help from the outside world). However, since the child and tutor inhabit the same mind, the child can use a more direct means of communication. Instead of expressing an emotional response physically (e.g., by crying), the child only needs to convey that emotion. Some who tend to be more rationale will ignore the child completely because it's perceived to be irrational. However, the child can be an important tool for understanding the world around us, recognizing danger, etc. That said, we can continue to tutor the child just as our parents did before we were able to. Just as our parents did, we'll need to understand the child's emotional responses and, in some cases, retrain those emotional responses. The fear of dogs example can be applied here as well. If an adult is afraid of dogs, they can reason with the child based on the information they have at their disposal. They might also start forcing themselves to approach smaller unassuming dogs thus forcing the child to confront that fear.
The benefits of using this model is that we have a tangible way of dealing with our emotions. We come to understand that we can modify how we respond emotionally to stimuli just as our parents did with us when we were unable to reason for ourselves. I believe this model also helps us to see the importance of acceptance. Rejecting our childs' responses is similar to ignoring a crying baby simply because you don't want to be bothered. In some instances, ignoring a crying baby is the best action to take for the sake of the child. However, before taking this action, a caring parent (i.e., one who cares about the baby's emotional development above all else) would want to first search for the root cause of the baby's response and actively decide that ignoring it is the best approach.
My next article will defend this model a bit more through example as well as show how we can use this model to pursue emotional growth. In the meantime, I welcome and encourage thoughts and critiques. Thank you all for reading and see you soon.
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